To cap off spooky season, I decided to revisit the topic of identifying behaviors and characteristics that indicate someone is not a true friend.

Last year, when I wrote the first blog post, 8 SIGNS THAT GIRL IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, I actually came up with significantly more, but thought it best to break it up.

It’s a lot to take in, and honestly makes me sad that there are so many signs that someone you considered a friend doesn’t care for you.

It begs the question: why not leave me alone if you don’t like me?

Unfortunately, some people are led by insecurity and selfishness, instead of love and compassion.

This post isn’t to condemn or judge anyone, because no one is perfect. Any of us could unintentionally do hurtful things to those we love.

So while you’re reflecting on how your friends treat you, also reflect on how you treat your friends.

This blog post will help you recognize these red flags and discern whether or not you have a healthy, intentional friendship.

8 Ways to Identify A Fake Friend, Again

1| She gives back-handed compliments

This is a “friend” who is unable to check her insecurities, but also can’t deny that you’ve done something well, so she gives a little nice-nasty compliment.

Examples:

“That’s great that you got accepted into that program. I heard they would take anyone.”
“You should do your hair like that more often; it makes you look prettier.”
“Oh, I see your little business is finally taking off.”

She doesn’t actually want to celebrate you or wish you well, but she does want to appear to be doing so.

This is a hater, not a friend, because the people who are genuinely happy for you don’t deliver their compliments with insults.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever had a “friend” say something nice to you, only to follow it up with something shady?

2| She wants access to you without effort

This is a “friend” who does just enough to get the benefit that comes from being close to you.

She wants to have access to you because you have a lot to offer.

She knows you’re reliable, generous, supportive, kind, etc., and wants to tap into those qualities whenever she needs them, but has no desire to give them to you.

She’s a low-effort friend on purpose.

She knows that she has to do something if she wants to receive the benefits of being your friend, so she’ll do the bare minimum to appease you.

Examples:

She’ll only extend help if you specifically ask her for it.
She won’t ever call first, but she will answer the phone for you from time to time.
She will post online about your achievements and how proud she is of you, but she never reaches out while you’re chasing your goals.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever noticed a “friend” boast about knowing you in public, but is ghosting you in private?

3| She enjoys being better than you at something

This is a “friend” who feels good when she believes she has an advantage over you.

She likes thinking that you’re beneath her, and loves it when you need her help to do something; it feeds her superiority complex.

This mentality can also be applied to the relationships she has that you don’t.

She may feel more important than you because she’s connected to someone who has a certain status.

Examples:

She’s dating a person of high status, and now she tries to downplay whoever you’re dating.
She scored higher than you did on an exam and rubs it in your face.
You two are coworkers, and she got picked for a special project, and throws shade that you didn’t.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever had a “friend” try to make you feel small?

4| She’s inconsistent AF and calls it “low-maintenance” friendship

This is the “I’m there for you if you need me,” “friend,” but that’s about it.

She doesn’t actually take the initiative to check on you, hang out with you, or keep up with you in any capacity.

In the blog post, THE LOW MAINTENANCE FRIEND: THE GOOD, THE MISCONSTRUED, AND THE REAL, we learned how even low maintenance friendships need effort.

Low-effort friends are acquaintances. (Which isn’t a bad word, by the way!)

Of course, there are seasons where friends may not have the capacity to give much, but that’s understood amongst real friends who communicate and are actively in each other’s lives.

There’s a difference between someone having an inconsistent season versus being an inconsistent friend.

The problem is the person who justifies their inaction and tries to gaslight you into believing you're asking for too much in your intentional friendship, like connection or support.

And that’s not okay.

Examples:

She doesn’t reach out, respond to texts, or calls.
She only wants to hang out when it’s convenient for her.
She’ll only be there for you if it’s an emergency.

Question For Your Reflection: Has a “friend” ever manipulated the phrase “low-maintenance friendship?”

5| She uses you as a “back-up” friend

This is the “friend” who reaches out only when she needs you.

You weren’t her first call or invite, but you’re her fallback when her other friends are unable to show up.

She doesn’t actually value your presence; she needs you to fulfill an obligation or not go somewhere alone.

And even when your friend does make plans with you, if she finds someone she’d rather hang with, she has no problem dropping you like a bad habit.

Examples:

She doesn’t initially invite you to a party, but then reaches out to you the day before.
She asks you to go on a trip with her as a last resort when her other friends bail.
She invites you somewhere, uninvites you, and then you see her online at the event with another friend.

Question For Your Reflection: Do you have a “friend” who always calls you with a last-minute invite?

6| She acts like being her friend is a privilege

This is the friend who thinks she’s Regina George.

That's a reference to the hit movie, "Mean Girls," and if you're not familiar, let me get you hip!

This is a “friend” who thinks you ought to be lucky to hang out with her, or for people to know that you're a part of her inner circle.

She's not interested in a real friendship and has a "what can you do for me?" mentality.

Even when you try to show up for her, she often seems annoyed by you.

Everything is about Regina, and she’s not genuinely interested in what’s going on in your life unless it can benefit her, or if it somehow negatively affects hers.

Examples:

She disrupts you whenever you’re talking to tell you something about her.
She never asks what’s going on in your life.
She speaks to you disrespectfully and expects you to just deal with it.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever had a “friend” treat you like you’re disposable?

7| She’s silent during critical moments in your life

This is a “friend” who is never there for you when you actually need her.

She wants to be involved in your life, but only when you’re winning.

She’ll show up to your important events, send you gifts when you accomplish something, and offer a helping hand whenever she believes there is a favorable outcome.

But when you’re “failing,” making mistakes, having losses. and not viewed in high regard, she’s MIA.

Now we do give the benefit of the doubt around here, so maybe she doesn’t know how to be there for you in those moments.

But an intentional friend asks.

An intentional friend learns.

An intentional friend tries.

There are so many resources available to learn how to support a friend that offering nothing feels like a choice.

Examples:

You get fired, and she has no words of encouragement for you.
You lose a loved one, but she never reaches out.
She knows you struggle with depression, but she ignores you during the cold weather months.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever noticed a “friend” who goes missing during your challenging seasons?

8| She prefers toxic conflict resolution

This is a “friend” who, when you disagree with her, is ready to go low.

She will say or do things to hurt you instead of having a healthy, open dialogue about the issue.

She’s not willing to compromise or empathize with your side and gets upset when you don’t see things her way.

She doesn’t mind going tit for tat and justifying it because her feelings are hurt.

When you get into it, she stops viewing you as a friend to work through a problem with, but as an enemy to beat, and wants to be crowned the winner.

Examples:

She talks badly about you to everyone after a disagreement.
She exposes your personal business online about the fight to get people on her side.
She doesn’t take accountability for her part of the fight, and tries to flip the situation on you when she’s in the wrong.

Question For Your Reflection: Have you ever had a disagreement with a “friend” and she started to hit below the belt?

It’s important that when you read these 8 signs, you reflect on who your “friend” is as a whole.

Sometimes people behave in a way that’s out of their character.

Sometimes friends can hurt you and not realize they are doing it.

Don’t be so quick to write a friend off; there could be a friendship worth saving here.

On the other hand, don’t hold onto a relationship that God is trying to show you is no longer serving you.

Discernment is always key in these complicated, emotional, gray-area situations.

Have you ever encountered any of these signs that someone was not your friend? What was your experience like? Feel free and safe to share in the comments!