8 SIGNS YOU'VE OUTGROWN A FRIENDSHIP: THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH YOU CAN’T IGNORE
The phrase “outgrowing a friendship” sounds a little harsh.
It can carry a negative connotation, and sometimes rightfully so, but other times it doesn’t have to.
When we outgrow a pair of shoes, we don’t see it as a bad thing, but merely an indication of our growth. A sign that our body is changing, and if we try to keep wearing those shoes, we’re going to hurt ourselves, or worse, do long-term damage.
That doesn’t make the shoes bad, and it doesn’t make us bad people for no longer being able to fit the shoes. It simply means the shoes no longer serve us and our well-being.
The same goes for friendships.
We’ve all heard the cliché phrase “some friends are for a reason, others for a season,” but it’s popular because it’s true.
Too often, we ignore the signs that are screaming at us to let go of a friendship when they are right in our face.
This blog post is here to help you identify 8 uncomfortable truths that you may have outgrown a friendship.
Why Is It So Hard To Let Go Of A Friendship?
Before we dive into the signs that you’ve outgrown your friendship, let’s first discuss why letting go of one is not an easy thing to do.
Tenure and History
This friend has been in your life for a long time, and her presence has become a part of your normal.
You have experienced a lot together, cried together, laughed together, and have been there for one another through different seasons of life.
A lot of your core memories are with her, and the idea of her not being a part of your future is hard to imagine.
Comfortability
Maybe you haven’t been friends forever, but you’ve been friends long enough that you have become comfortable with her presence.
When you have something important going on in your life, or even something simple you’ve wanted to share, she has become a default for you.
You can probably dial her number by heart. When she shows up, you know what you’re going to get from her, good or bad.
She may have become a crutch for you, and it’s hard to let that familiar “safety” go.
Fear Of Missing Out
You all have intertwined your lives together in many ways.
You share friends. You work together. Your family is hers and vice versa. You’re invested in each other’s dreams and goals.
You’re afraid to no longer have access or be a part of her world in such an intimate way. It’s not a selfish feeling, it’s an honest one.
Letting go of a friendship runs the risk of losing so much more than the friend, and that’s a very scary thing.
Take a moment to identify if you fall into any of these categories. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and recognize what’s making you hold onto a relationship that may no longer be good for your growth.
8 Signs You've Outgrown A Friendship
Now that we’ve explored why it’s hard to let go of a friend, let’s discuss some reasons why you may need to release the friendship.
We’ll also provide another perspective to consider before you make such an important decision.
1| You don’t want to hang out with this friend…ever
You stopped enjoying your friend’s company. You dread being invited somewhere, and if you do go, you look forward to it being over as soon as possible.
Everything she does bothers you when you’re together. When you leave being around this friend, you feel drained or worse than you did before you got together.
Another Perspective: Maybe there’s only one or two things you really don’t like about her, and now everything she does annoys you. You know the source of your issue, but you’re afraid to say it.
2| You dim your light around this friend
When something positive happens in your life, you no longer desire to celebrate with this friend.
Reasons you stopped sharing wins with your friend are that when you did before:
She appeared uninterested
She belittled your accomplishment
It made her jealous or insecure
Whatever it was, it gave you pause about sharing any good news with her.
Another Perspective: You didn’t express to your friend how her response to your good news made you feel. Maybe she didn’t mean to come across the way she did and was having a bad day.
Instead of being vulnerable and letting her know how you felt, you took away an opportunity for her to correct her actions or empathize.
Now you hold a secret resentment because you assume she doesn’t care about your accomplishments.
3| You have little in common with this friend
You two used to be so in sync, enjoying the same hobbies, foods, TV shows, music, etc. Now you feel like you have nothing in common anymore except the past.
Every time you get together, you are doing or talking about something that’s connected to your shared history.
And even when you both expose the other to your new interests, it doesn’t click, and it feels forced and uncomfortable.
Another Perspective: Instead of trying to make each other like your personal interests, try to find something that’s new for both of you.
4| You no longer enjoy your friend’s conversation
Your phone rings, and you check to see who’s calling, and it’s your BFF. You sigh and debate whether or not you feel like answering her call.
Reasons you dread your friend’s calls:
All she does is gossip
All she does is complain
All she does is make the conversation about herself
Even when you try to steer the discussions in another direction, they somehow always come back to these same old things.
The conversations bore you, frustrate you, and annoy you to a point where you start taking fewer calls from her.
Another Perspective: You don’t set boundaries around your conversations.
And sometimes it’s because you secretly still love the gossip, love to fix her problems, or love having the spotlight off of you and the complexities of your life.
It’s easier to say she’s the problem instead of admitting your faults.
Real-World Example:
I was once part of a large friend group that I loved deeply. After leaving the group, I found myself wanting updates about certain people, especially those who had hurt me, but it wasn’t helping me move forward. Eventually, I had to ask the friends I still spoke with to stop sharing updates.
5| You’re anxious around this friend
When you get in her presence, you’re not relaxed and at ease, but instead you’re wound up and on alert.
You’re worried whether or not she’s had a good day, because it affects how she treats you.
You’re walking on eggshells, afraid to offend her. Scared that you’re going to say or do something that sets off a reaction that makes you feel bad.
You’re not being yourself because you are worried she is going to judge you, make fun of you, dismiss you, or upset you in some way.
She triggers something in you that makes you feel unsafe and unable to show up as your most authentic self.
Another Perspective: You’re assuming the worst of her based on a past experience and not truly a pattern of bad behavior.
Maybe her character never made you feel this way before, but that one time really hurt your feelings, and you have now created this narrative about who you believe she is.
6| You feel unsupported by this friend
When there is something important going on in your life, she’s missing in action.
There is always an excuse as to why she doesn’t show up or why her efforts are lackluster. She has high expectations of you and how you should be there for her, but gives you the bare minimum.
The friendship feels unbalanced, lacking meaningful reciprocation.
Another Perspective: She doesn’t know your friendship love language. Maybe she thinks she is giving her best, and there is simply a miscommunication here.
Related Blog Post: 60 WAYS TO BE A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND
7| Your values, views, and lifestyle no longer align with this friend
As each of you has grown in your own ways, you’ve had experiences that have shifted your personalities and knocked you two out of alignment.
Examples of values, views, and lifestyle changes:
Living a more faith-led lifestyle
Embracing a frugal lifestyle
Choosing to stop drinking
Having new political views
Going away to college
Moving away
Getting married
Having a baby
The list could go on and on.
You and your friend may have had differences before, but these new changes have impacted the friendship negatively, making it too hard to avoid.
Especially if it crosses a line where you become offensive to one another.
Another Perspective: Instead of embracing each other’s differences, you have found it too difficult to adjust because it would require more of you, and you want your friendships to be “easy.”
8| You stopped showing up intentionally for this friend
You no longer care about being a good friend to this person.
You don’t put in effort. You don’t initiate anything. You don’t pour into her. You don’t care about what’s new going on in her life.
While you still want to see her happy and successful, you don’t necessarily want to be a part of the support squad anymore.
You simply stopped investing in the relationship for whatever reason, and that’s not fair to either of you.
Another Perspective: You got so consumed with your life that you stopped caring to show up for hers. Because her friendship didn’t fit comfortably with your new changes, you find it easier to let it go and make new friends.
Before You Let Go Of The Friendship
It was important for me to share another perspective along with the signs that you’ve outgrown a friendship, because it’s easy to see things from your POV without thinking of others.
Here are 4 more things to take into consideration before you let go of a friendship that might be worth keeping.
1| Could an adjustment in the friendship be made?
Is there something that she could do that would rectify whatever has broken between the two of you? A behavior change that would make you feel more comfortable, or steps she could take to rebuild your trust?
2| Do you need to check yourself?
Let’s do some self-reflection here.
Are you the problem?
Are you being judgmental?
Has your life changed in a way that has you acting differently towards your bestie and blaming it on her?
Do you need a slice of humble pie?
Think about this. Sometimes, we put unrealistic expectations on our loved ones who may not have the capacity to achieve them.
If that friend is still showing up as best as they can for themselves or for you, is it right to cut them off?
3| Would a conversation help the relationship?
Can a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend fix it? If there was never clear communication around boundaries before, but now you’re more aware of what you are and aren’t okay with, could communicating those help?
Related Blog Post: HOW TO RESOLVE ISSUES WITH YOUR FRIENDS
4| Do you need to let go of the friendship or change how you view the friend?
Does it have to be the end of the friendship, or could it be that she falls more into a friendly acquaintance category? Maybe the love is still there, but fewer interactions would be the best route for the health of your friendship.
Life has a way of showing us the friends we need in different seasons, and what we need from them. And vice versa.
Are you ignoring the signs that you’ve outgrown a friend? Or is this a sign that your friendship needs a little TLC?
I recommend praying about it and reflecting on it before making such an impactful decision.
Were there ever any signs that it was time for you to let go? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments!
